walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
