The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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