My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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