OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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