Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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