Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
