just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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