I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
