My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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