I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's rum buckets o'clock
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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