Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
