is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
