I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
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I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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