I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
even my farts smell like vagina
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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