remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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