Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
