Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
