wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
