Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
