Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
