why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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