I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
