Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
