went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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