i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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