Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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