Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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