There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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