If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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