Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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