Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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