Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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