i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
