This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
