The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.