I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
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How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate