you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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