um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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