I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
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I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
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This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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