2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
