You smell like a Billy Joel song
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
