Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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