I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
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Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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