i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
