Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
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I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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