Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
