Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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