The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
