I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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