There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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