tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
