I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
