Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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