How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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