i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
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I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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