oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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